Saturday, February 18, 2012

Why the Lowered Expectations for Fathers?

Both a recent U.S. Census Bureau report and an ongoing media campaign around fatherhood have raised some interesting questions about the way that society views a father's responsibilities. In its “Who's Minding the Kids?” report, the bureau assumes that when both parents are present at home, the mother is the "designated parent." If the mother is away from the home, say at work or school, and the father is watching his offspring, the bureau classifies that as "care" – but the reverse is not considered true when the father's the one who's away. In other words, if the mother is home watching her children, she's just considered a parent. When the father does it, that's looked at as something more akin to child care, not parenting.

In explaining its rationale behind collecting and presenting data this way, a bureau employee explained that despite the changes in family structure and dynamics over the past half-century, "women are still primarily responsible for work in the home," and a mother is "not only caring for the child only while Dad works. She’s probably caring for the child 24 hours and so Dad is able to go to work regardless.”

This is likely the case for many families, regardless if the mother is employed outside the home as well. So why does it bug me so much that the Census Bureau classifies a mother's role differently from a father's? Because there shouldn't be any difference. The fact that women have traditionally shouldered a larger share of child-rearing responsibilities isn't enough reason for women to continue doing so, especially given the more-relevant fact that two working parents is the norm for most households. Using different terms to describe the exact same work just serves to reinforce the outdated idea that fathers aren't expected to be their children's primary caregiver.

The various fatherhood campaigns put forth by the Ad Council and are equally problematic. While I like the idea of promoting healthy families and involved parents, regardless of if both parents are living with their children, the very fact that a campaign even has to be launched around the idea of responsible fatherhood is really galling. Look, it's hardly news that a lot of parents, both mothers and fathers, are unprepared for the challenges of parenthood and would benefit from some outside guidance, and I support government programs that help parents ensure that they have all the available resources and assistance to provide a stable and healthy environment for their children. So again, what galls me here is the gender focus. If the Department of Health and Humans Services was promoting a website called, full of information about programs and ways to connect with and learn from other parents, that would be great. But singling out fathers for this kind of assistance and attention smacks of starting from a place of reduced expectations. Fathers' shouldn't have to be reminded to "take time to be a dad today," as the copy of one PSA plastered on Washington, D.C. bus stations reads. They should just be fathers every day, because when you have a child, you are, by definition, a parent every day. Mothers aren't given the same options, so why the implicit condoning of fatherhood as a choice once the kids are born?

Even though they're both run through government agencies, I kind of doubt that the powers that be at either the Census Bureau or HHS coordinated their language or efforts around studying fatherhood and parenthood. But the very fact that they're using the same gendered language just perpetuates the idea that fathers are starting from a place of less responsibility and accountability than mothers, and that's not fair – to their children, their partners, or the fathers themselves. I admire the spirit behind and the PSA campaigns, but I wish that instead of trying to bring men up to speed after their children are already here, the focus was on ensuring that men – and women – are better-prepared for parenthood before the child is even born.

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